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New Year’s and germ warfare: The science behind it all
Why didn’t I see you at First Night Warrenton? Oh, now I remember. I couldn’t make it. Is it just my kids who have a penchant for falling ill over the holidays, or do yours do that too? Youngsters attract germs faster than politicians can attract lobbyists and campaign dollars. With six eager young hosts in the house, once those germs start making their rounds, they don’t know when or how to get off our carousel. They remind me of the nouveau escalator rider who gets to the bottom and keeps backing up for fear of making the leap.
All December I had anticipated First Night Warrenton, a family-friendly Old Town event to bring in 2008. With an admission price cap of $25 per family, this was utterly affordable entertainment for our family of eight. The only way to get a better deal, in fact, would be to have a bigger family. (No, you did not just hear me say that.)
But it was not to be. New Year’s Eve almost always includes a sick person in our household, and I’m not talking about the one on TV gyrating in glamorized underwear to bring in the new calendar year.
Years ago when I was younger and even more foolish, I did not let minor inconveniences like sick children interfere with our holiday plans. One year I was determined to get to the community tree-lighting ceremony that we had missed several years in a row. This time, two of our kids were already on antibiotics. With that in their systems for three days, I figured, they were on the mend. The good thing about sick kids is you don’t have to worry about them getting sick.
In observing children, I have deduced a few things about germs. It may not pass for real science, but if you would like to send me cash, I will be happy to call it grant money. Here are a few of the results (free of charge):
Junk food appears to ward off germs while so-called “health foods” can actually increase your chances of getting sick! Due to its lack of nutritive value, its excessive sugar and/or salt content, junk food actually seems to be repugnant, even to germs. Healthy food, on the other hand, is practically bursting with nutrients and the vitamins with which it is fortified. It therefore presents an ideal growth medium to germs, and they immediately pounce upon and contaminate the food.
If you don’t believe me, try this experiment. Leave a broccoli floret and an M&M on the floor within view of a child. The child, unbiased by our nutrition propaganda, will always judge the candy to be safe for consumption. The broccoli, however, will be relegated to the trash bin. Even toddlers know that no amount of puffing carbon dioxide on this extremely desirable food can rid it of the multitude of microbes, once it has hit the floor. If the preservation instinct is strong enough, the child may even grind the contaminated floret underfoot.
Don’t be misled by the expression “floors clean enough to eat off of.” If you keep your floors too clean, how will your children build up their immunity? I would love to clean nonstop to keep an immaculate home, but the only reason I restrain myself is out of love for my children and their developing immune systems.
We got back from the tree-lighting festivities that night, having enjoyed the singing, the open houses, and the arts display. I was so glad we had gone. We were full of the fresh cold night air, flush with holiday cheer and free food (the two most dangerous four-letter “F words” for most adults), and then it hit us. Our seven-year-old had nearly lost her voice. Apparently, sick children CAN get sicker. I should have prefaced this column with a warning that I am not a licensed physician. Heck, I’m not even an unlicensed physician, although I did wear a lab coat in high school chemistry class, and that should count for something.
A few weeks later, the New Year’s festivities to ring in Y2K rolled around, and the sniffles and coughs were still making their rounds despite our efforts of eating junk food off the floor. So we opted out and decided to watch the international festivities broadcast on television. When you have nowhere to go and nothing to do, life is so tranquil – just not a lot of fun. The kids were bathed, dinner had been eaten (not even off the floor) and the dishwasher churned. Being in California at the time, we watched the ball in New York drop at 9 PM. Then what? I decided we’d take a little nap and wake up to ring in the New Year – the new millennium. My eldest, nine at the time, looked at me suspiciously and said, “Mom, I don’t trust you. This isn’t going to work.”
Which proves my second scientific theory: when people say negative things, negative “energy” (whatever that means) fills the air and smites whom? You think: The negative person, right? Ah, you have completely forgotten your chemistry and physics. It can’t smite the negative person because LIKE CHARGES REPEL. So it strikes the most positive person in the area. After a little nap, I fought off the negative energy smothering me and read 12:42 AM on the digital clock. Even if you take into account that I used to keep my clocks randomly 7-15 minutes fast (so I was only 5-7 minutes late for everything), it was too late. We were probably the only family to sleep through the “new millennium.”
Can I take consolation in the fact that Mahatma Gandhi slept through the moment when India and Pakistan gained independence from Great Britain at midnight, August 15th, 1947? No, he was a man of strict diet and regimen. He went to sleep at 8 PM and arose at 3 AM. He meant to do it.
The only thing I could console myself with was that the new millennium didn’t technically start until 2001. According to expert nerd-types, since there was no Year Zero, the first century/millennium began with the year 1 AD or 1 CE (common era), however you like to say it, even though the rest of the world celebrated with Y2K. So we had missed bringing in the New Year in 2000, but technically, we had a whole year before the real new millennium in 2001.
Likewise, we have less than 350 days to prepare for this year’s ending celebration. I advise you to plan early: stop over-cleaning your house and remember to consume all your junk food that hits the floor. Perhaps I’ll see you at First Night Warrenton this year.
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